Queer theory

And, like that, it's gone...

2010-10-27T17:07:00.000+01:00

I've not posted for a while. I've not had much to say.
The urgency, the hunger and the pain has just vanished - like it always does. When I started this blog I needed to say things or I would burst! Now... I'm writing because I feel I should.

OK, that's not strictly true (honestly!) - I'm writing because I want to.

It almost feels like my tness is seasonal. Like the spring fashions, it breezes into my life - bright and vibrant. It says "Thank Goodness we can let our hair down and come out from under those dreadful jumpers!" Then summer comes and its all, envy and pain - I'll never have that beach body, never fit into this skirt. Wish I had her legs/ figure / life. Then, autumn and the start of wrapping up - both physically and emotionally.

I love autumn - that feeling of starting a new school term I think. It's all promise and new pencil cases. But with it there's also a calm. The envy is less, the feeling wrong is... dulled.

Every year is the same. By March I'll be making plans to buy clothes, and venture out again (and by October, I'll both regret having not done so, and have forgotten that need that was oh so burning).

I wonder - is it seasonal, or just me?

Crash

2010-09-26T12:27:00.000+01:00

Its been a bad week, culminating in a crash on Thursday that had me locked in the toilets crying.
Ironically, I'm blaming The Onion.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/honey-will-you-make-me-the-happiest-deeplyindenial,18135/

Okay, the story doesn't fit totally, but it struck enough chords that reading it started to feel like being slapped over and over, until the point where the guilt totally overwhelmed me and I had to take a break.

I havent blogged yet about my relationship, mainly because its difficult to fit into words - or the right words. Its not that she doesn't know about my t-ness or my previous transition, but, well, I'm so far back in the closet i'm in Narnia, so it might as well have never happened.

Its all messed up, and ... I don't know. I pulled myself together and carried on, pushing it to the back of my mind, as per usual, and vowing to blog about it. So here we are.

Blogging

2010-09-19T11:25:00.000+01:00

Posting on this blog will be inconsistant, I think - much like my T-ness. I had things in my head I had to get out _somewhere_ and that led to me starting this. I think I'll have to wait for that to happen again and again. I'm still learning.

It's strange to be able to talk in this voice, virtual that it is. I spent a long period of my life talking about these things with friends, and family, as I came out and began my transition. Since abandoning it, I've managed to put the Genie back in the bottle, so much so I feel the same weight I did before coming out as a teenager. I've not had these conversations for ten years, and it feels new again. New and necessary. I'm tired of just using my own head as an echo chamber.

I'm sure there will be repetition as I work my way through things in my head. It's good to not do that in a vacuum though. Comments challenge me and change my views, and that's wonderful. I think I'll have to put myself about a bit (as it were) and _engage_ - something I find difficult to do. As I've said previously, I'm profoundly jealous of anyone who knows their mind, and their path.

Sex, Gender and sexuality

2010-09-04T23:36:00.000+01:00

Firstly, a disclaimer: I studied feminist theory at uni, both pre, during and post (pre again, I suppose) transition.

I believe strongly that who you fancy is separate from which gender you act like which is separate from what sexed characteristics your body has. This is a total no brainer for me: You can have female primary sexual characteristics, but be masculine and lesbian, or male primary sexual characteristics, feminine and heterosexual.

It's not a binary, its a series of unrelated scales.

I was taught this, over and over, and I agree with it. It does, however, cos a wee bit of a problem where GID is concerned. (For the purposes of this, we'll leave out my sexuality, which is non-existent, or fluid, or vibrant, depending on how I feel any given day). If it is a Gender Identity Disorter, then convention says there my gender is separate from my sex. So the fact that I am more feminine than masculine, or would like to be perceived as feminine, should have no bearing on my body.

Which is fine, except that the signifiers of the feminine are mainly body related - breasts, hips, face. Sure these exist in a filter of culture and we create personalities around the, but they are there all the same. Or have i misread it?

Table dysphoria

2010-08-28T10:40:00.000+01:00

In his 1912 book, The Problem of Philosophy, Bertrand Russel described the problem of knowing his table. While at first glace one might look at a table and know it is a table, you can never be sure that it is the same table that someone else will see. Closer inspection reveals different colors, shapes, touch sensations etc and so everyone's experience of the table will be different - yet it is considered the same.

One of the problems I have with my gid is this problem: when I consider that I want to be a woman, I don't think about myself specifically, I think about womanhood generally. When I say "woman" my impression is a different body / person than you. Now, Russell was talking about the problems of knowledge (so apologies for misappropriating it), but it also indicates the problems of objectification: we over simplify things to be able to talk about them. I just want to point at a table, I don't want to have to describe the wood, the way the light reflects off its surface etc. Its a convenient shorthand.

With GID it's inconvenient. Woman is too generic. Too vague. I need to be specific. If I'm not, I risk reducing the experience of being female and feminine to a broad barbie doll - smooth and featureless. In my day dreams, my fantasies, its too easy to imagine myself as any woman I see (and I do, frequently). I need to stop that, and concentrate on the woman I would be, with all my lumps and imperfections.

The Graun

2010-08-28T10:23:00.001+01:00

Just in case people don't know about this, The Guardian are publishing a well-written blog by Juliet Jacques on her Transgendered Journey.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/series/transgender-journey

She's going through a variety of issues each fortnight (the subject this episode is work, and the prevalence of sex work among TS women) and it's good fascinating stuff.

Give it a read

On Crossdressing

2010-08-27T16:30:00.001+01:00

I said in my initial post that one of the truths in my life is that I want to cross dress, but don't.
This is where we get into worrying territory. I have a strange relationship with clothes, viewing them as more than just "stuff to cover yourself with." I obsess about clothes to a worrying degree, what I'm wearing, what other people are wearing, why, etc. It's part and parcel with presenting the "right" identity to the world.

I remember vividly the first time I cross dressed. Typically, it was my mother's underwear and a skirt of hers I liked. She was out, I had put it on and... nothing. Nothing happened. I dont know what I expected to happen (the clouds to part, an angelic choir to Ah appreciateively as I stood in a suddenly-appeared shaft of brilliant light perhaps?), but whatever it was, it didn't.

I wasn't really sure what was to happen then, so took off the clothes with shame. The same time, next week, the experiment was repeated. Over the course of the next six years I ramped it up with my own clothes (or clothes I stole from friends / friends sisters / shops) till I was living pretty much full time in my own flat at uni.

It's difficult to say now, I dont have 100% recall, but I don't think there was any sexual excitement in that act. A thrill, sure. Is that the same thing?

I haven't cross dressed in ten years. I am desperate to. I plan outfits, shop online for things I'd love to wear, but never "checkout."

It would involve opening all of these feelings out again - talking to my long term partner about this curse she thought was put away. And, yes, there's the slippery slope. A skirt here, a new dress there, then you might as well wear it out, then you might as well wear it to work...

So I don't. But I want to.

On Identity

2010-08-22T13:31:00.000+01:00

A couple of posts ago I wrote that I believe I feel better about myself when I consider myself identifying as a female. I referred to this as a "fact." It is so much more complicated than that (but not a "lie"! I haven't broken any promises!)

Like many T-people, the question of identity is complex. I am fairly sure that my boy identity is a fiction, but a fiction I play pretty well 18 odd hours a day, and one that grows and changes over time. I dont think this is unique to T people. I agree with the idea that identity is performance. We are all, I believe, constructs of context. The person I present to an old school friend is different than the person I present to an old work friend, or a new acquaintance, or a stranger I want something from. We are all a million people, and quite capable of changing that person subtily from one second to the next. A change of stance here, a softening of the voice there...

As a t person, we have more personalities in our repertoire. We are also more aware of this process, I think. Identity becomes something else. It becomes a prison - a prison where we make, and remake the bars and locks.

Judith Bulter is my Goddess:
"gender is an act which has been rehearsed, much as a script survives the particular actors who make use of it, but which requires individual actors in order to be actualized and reproduced as reality once again."

(I will talk more about gender later - oh God, will I talk more about it)

Annnnyway... I'm getting off the point: I "feel better about myself" when "I consider myself identifying as a female."

This isnt the same as saying I'm a woman in a man's body. I'm sorry, but that phrase is meaningless. I dont agree with it, and can't identify with it. I have no idea what "woman" is. Or "man" for that matter. I know its a convenient shorthand, but it doesnt work for me, and raises too many questions. I'm digressing again...

I spend most of my days wondering about jealous of women, and beating myself up about it. This then leads to a spiral of mental despair, where I question my choices in life and leads to me crying and eating cakes. Its inevitable. However, when I present as female (online, these days), I feel the same, but less so. When I am mistaken for female (I say mistaken... you know what I mean) - either online, in person, on the phone, by email - any social interaction - I enjoy the sensation. Its a simple thing, and its taken a long route to get here, but its these simple things that are the building blocks of constructing a functioning person.

Despite not knowing what "woman" is, or what "feminine" is, or who I am, the simple act of being treated as I imagine a cis woman is treated, makes me feel not terrible.

However, crucially, it doesn't make me excited.

On Obsession

2010-08-21T18:02:00.000+01:00

Since I was little I've been obsessed with M2f transsexual women. My first teenage crush was Caroline Cossey, after reading an article about her in the newspaper (about her failed attempt to get her birth certificate changed). I was obsessed with her, and tracked down every photograph, picture and second of screen time I could. I have her autobiography too (which is actually pretty good if I recall).

This pattern of obsession would repeat every time I saw a Tgirl in the press.

When I bought a modem in 1996 and started to find out about the trans community online, I was practically giddy. I joined a whole bunch of sites, news groups, and all the rest. I'm still a member of a bunch of them under various names and aliases. I chat on yahoo occasionally, but mainly I just search, look for pics and... thats it.

I'm not an "active" community person. I have no idea why not, but I'm not. I'm active in lots of other communities - gaming, music... I run an online book club. I'm a social media whore. However, as far as the t community goes, nada, nothing, zilch. I am an island. My name is Madagascar.

Every so often I stop searching for pictures of t girls. And then, every so often, I start again, create a new alias and let the guilt commence. I have not consciously met any trans person in real life, although goodness knows I need to. It would be wonderful to be able to talk to someone. Except, here's the thing. I am jealous.

That's the crux of the matter. Every picture, bio and blog I read and see, I am jealous as all hell.

On Fiction

2010-08-21T12:20:00.000+01:00

Having decided that getting a blog was a good idea, I've not managed to decide what to actually write for a few days. I'm still not sure, so, um, consider this a disclaimer.

I'd like to start by giving some easy boilerplate categories that I fall into, to give you a sense of context. I'd like to, but I can't. Ten years ago I was diagnosed as gender dysphoric, began a hormone regime, and came out to friends, family, co-workers and (I was at uni at the time) tutors. I began the process of living full time. It was all going very well. Then I stopped.

That story will have to wait for another time.

I say story, because I'm not convinced any of it was true. Oh, I mean, sure, these things happened. I mean, I dont know if I actually am gender dysphoric or it I just transformed myself to fit the narrative. I said things to my GP, to my shrink, to my girl friend that were just actual lies. I said them because I wanted to be "textbook" - but I think my 21 year old self was missing the point a little.

Fast forward to present day. Anyone I came out to ten years ago don't bring this up, although I wish they would. I am burning to talk to anyone about how I feel, but I dont want to talk to my friends and family - I dont want to upset the narrative of this person that I present as now. But I know that's all bullshit too.

The facts are these:

* I am obsessed with M2F transsexual women.
* I believe I feel better about myself when I consider myself as identifying as female
* I want to cross dress, but dont
* I believe strongly that physical sex, gender, and sexuality are separate
* I am celibate

There is one rule for me with this blog if it's going to work. The rule is simple:

Tell the truth

As rules go, that's going to be really really hard for me, but I really want to give it a go. Try it on, see what it feels like... I'm going to do my best not to bullshit you, dear reader, and also not to bullshit myself. You'll have to trust me, but I'm very good at lying.

I'm going to deal with the facts over the next few posts. I promise.

Lets get this party started

2010-08-17T17:28:00.000+01:00

Hello, dear reader.
I have no idea who you are, or if you exist, which is not, lets face it, the best of starts. Regardless, at the moment this blog isn't for you - its for me.
I need to get some things out of my head, and hope to do that here. Thank you for watching.
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